> I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
> I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
> I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
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> I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.
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> I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
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> I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
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> I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
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> I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.
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> AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.
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> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
> THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my ass.
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> AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a Toonie dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over..
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> If you don’t send this reblog this to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician …
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> Oh, by the way…..
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> A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
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> Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.
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> PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
